Oh God, if there is a God, please! It's awful! Why? I went to Lucia Scatterday's party with Carol Steinmetz tonight. I planned to stop this whole thing with Carol. She's so apeshit over me & I don't give a fuck. Well, on the way home in Schreck's car (we were doubling with him & Georgia Meeks & Braddock & Kathy Darling) I made out LIKE A SEX FIEND with her. Kisses, caresses. Kisses on the neck, forehead, eyebrows. I had her pretty hot and I knew it. I was a little hot myself. Well, anyway, the whole point is this: I felt her right breast through her coat. I felt it, squeezed it gently, caressed it, all through a thick coat, but still I got the charge!

But, hell, hell, hell, my conscience, dammit! She's a decent girl, with a decent home and wonderful parents & I've betrayed their trust on a date. Look what I've done! It truly shocks me. The only excuse I have is that I couldn't help myself I felt so hot. God, she was so willing. After I felt it for a while she reached her hand up timid-like and slowly pulled my hand down. I quit trying. I felt lousy. God, the rest of the time was hell. I still had to make out like hell in order that she wouldn't know I was so turned off. And I almost got sick.

Oh Christ! Please let this come out all right. I'll have to apologize to her and tell her I don't want any more dates with her for a while because I don't want it to happen again. Lord lord lord!